Oracular Vagina 2 (Jessi Guilford)

Fiction. A sex-change patient recovers from surgery to find herself mute, and vehicle to a truth-telling genetically engineered vagina. World leaders arrive to consult said vagina, and there may also be a wacky neighbor. Companion site to Oracular Vagina Takes Her Place, which no longer exists as such.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

MARIE AMIE FALCON gets "push-polled" by POLLY STERLING

(story-date: early October 2004)

MARIE AMIE'S apartment. The telephone rings, and MARIE AMIE picks it up.

Marie Amie: Hello.

Sterling (offstage; voice only): Hello. My name is Polly Sterling. How are you today?

Marie Amie: Fine, I guess.

Sterling: That's great. Could I please speak to the youngest adult in your household over the age of eighteen?

Marie Amie: You are.

Sterling: Is this Marie Amie Falcon?

Marie Amie: Falcohn. With a long 'o.'

Sterling: Terribly sorry. I'm working for Freedom Resource Engineering of Dallas, Ms. Falcohn, and we're doing a poll among likely voters regarding issues and candidates in the upcoming election. It's a very short poll. Most people are done in less than ten minutes. Do you think you could help me out and answer some questions?

Marie Amie: Whatever.

Sterling: First I need to get some information about you. Are you registered to vote in the state in which you currently reside?

Marie Amie (doodling on note pad): Yes.

Sterling: Do you plan to vote in that state in November?

Marie Amie: Yes.

Sterling: And who are you most likely to vote for in November: George W. Bush, John Kerry, Ralph Nader, Joycelyn Elders, or someone else?

Marie Amie: Um. Probably Kerry.

Sterling: And who would be your second choice: George W. Bush, Ralph Nader, or Joycelyn Elders?

Marie Amie: Elders.

Sterling: Would you be more likely, less likely, or about as likely to vote for Kerry if you learned that he and Joycelyn Elders had a ten-year affair from 1983 to 1993?

Marie Amie (stops doodling): Um. Less likely, I guess.

Sterling: And would you be more likely, less likely, or about as likely to vote for Elders?

Marie Amie: Less likely.

Sterling: Would you be more likely, less likely, or about as likely to vote for Kerry if you learned that he had received ten million dollars from the Chinese government in the year 2003?

Marie Amie: He did?

Sterling: I'm just asking for your opinion. This is only an opinion poll.

Marie Amie: Um. I guess less likely.

Sterling: And would you be more likely, less likely, or about as likely to vote for Joycelyn Elders if you knew that she had molested ten young boys during her pediatric practice in Little Rock, Arkansas, in the 1980s?

Marie Amie: Are you making this stuff up?

Sterling: We're just trying to get your opinion here. Hypothetically speaking.

Marie Amie: Less likely, I guess. Did she do that?

Sterling: And would you be more likely, less likely, or about as likely to vote for Kerry if you knew that he had had prostate cancer?

Marie Amie: I knew that already, so as likely.

Sterling: Would you be more likely, less likely, or about as likely to vote for Kerry if you knew that a cancer patient must be cancer-free for five years in order to be medically considered a 'cancer survivor?'

Marie Amie: Um. I don't know. Is there a 'don't know' option?

Sterling: If you had to choose.

Marie Amie: I suppose about as likely.

Sterling: And would you be more likely, less likely, or about as likely to vote for George W. Bush if you were to learn that he is the only person the country can trust as President, to protect us from terrorists?

Marie Amie: That's kind of a big "if," there.

Sterling: Hypothetically. Just your opinion.

Marie Amie: Um, yeah, if he were the only person, I guess. I don't know what kind of evidence would convince me of that, though.

Sterling: But if you knew.

Marie Amie: Well yeah, then I guess more likely.

Sterling: Thank you for your time.

EXEUNT

A VERY SPECIAL NOTE FROM JESSI:

Until this point in the story, the timing of the posts has been more or less congruent with the events they describe, except where otherwise noted. From this point onward, subsequent posts will have a story-date attached to them somehow, to inform the reader of when the events described took place. This should, among other things, improve the accuracy of the ORACLE's predictions ("Don't never prophesy -- onless ye know." -James Russell Lowell, The Biglow Papers), though obviously the predictions will be less useful.

Also, it should have been noted a very long time ago that the links at the ends of many of the earlier pieces, to the original Oracular Vagina site (now "refried ORACLE phone," which name doesn't make any sense to me either, sorry), no longer work. This is likely to be a permanent situation. I don't intend, at the present time, to go through all the posts and redo the links, though maybe I will at some point down the line.

Peace, truth, hope, faith, love, justice, and the American Way,