Oracular Vagina 2 (Jessi Guilford)

Fiction. A sex-change patient recovers from surgery to find herself mute, and vehicle to a truth-telling genetically engineered vagina. World leaders arrive to consult said vagina, and there may also be a wacky neighbor. Companion site to Oracular Vagina Takes Her Place, which no longer exists as such.

Sunday, August 22, 2004


(Originally posted June 22, 2004)

Ana Garcia, reporter: You know her from her voice work on "King of the Hill," as Bobby, loveable son of Hank and Peggy Hill. You know her from Sister Act, as a sweet and fun-loving nun. But what you don't know about Kathy Najimy may shock you. NBC4 News caught up with Najimy outside the home of the Oracle, where she has become deeply involved with the Oracle Cult, those who believe that the Oracle is God, and asked her a few questions. What we found was alarming.

Najimy in clip from Sister Act: Good afternoon, young ladies. And welcome to our Christian Youth Group. [girls make grunting noises] Hi. I hope we'll have some fun, and maybe learn a little something, too. Now, today's topic is something very up-to-date -- "Teenage Promiscuity." My. Now, can anyone tell me -- just what is promiscuity?

Garcia in voiceover as scene continues: Anyone who's watched a movie in the last fifteen years knows Kathy Najimy, the bubbly, perky actress who first charmed us in the movie Sister Act as Sister Mary Patrick. But Najimy has a darker side, as well.

[cut to: news footage of Oracle Cult]

Garcia voiceover: The arrival in Los Angeles of the Oracle, a genetically engineered vagina for a sex-change patient, has turned this formerly peaceful L.A. neighborhood upside down. The Oracle's cult snarls traffic, disturbs the peace, and has led to record levels of loitering. And right in the middle of it, Kathy Najimy [Najimy's face in crowd is highlighted by a circle. Fancy zoom in on the still shot.]. In the aftermath of yesterday's tragic events in Providence, we caught up with Najimy and asked her a few questions.

[Najimy on camera. Behind her, a group of what appear to be homeless people are gluing oranges onto a chicken-wire frame shaped approximately like a walrus or dolphin.]

Garcia voiceover: How did you become a part of the Oracle's cult?

Najimy: Well it's not, I mean I don't think it's a. We don't worship the Oracle or anything.

Garcia: And yet you sing hymns to her.

Najimy: Well, um [giggles] songs, we sing songs. Not hymns.

Garcia: And isn't it true you haven't been working since your involvement with the Oracle?

Najimy: Well it's hiatus, you know. I don't normally --

Garcia: What first drew you into this cult?

Najimy: It's not a. Well. I was in the Vagina Monologues, as you know, a few years back, and it was quite a transformative experience for me, I couldn't even, [giggles] I couldn't even say the word "vagina" before that, and it was very empowering. I wanted to say it all the time, wanted to go to McVagina's and order a vaginaburger with vagina fries and shop at Neiman Vagina's. You know, just, vagina vagina vagina. [giggles] Are you going to cut that?

Garcia: So this all got started with the Vagina Monologues.

Najimy: Well no. It was, I heard about the Oracle, and I thought it was so empowering, you know, this supernatural being taking the shape of a vagina, and --

Garcia: Do you worship the Oracle? Have you spoken to the Oracle?

Najimy (blushing): Oh no. I couldn't get up the courage. But I've seen, there have been all kinds of people going in and out, you'd be amazed.

Garcia: Who have you seen consulting with the Oracle?

Najimy: Oh, um, well, not seen directly. I wasn't in the room with them, but, um, Meg Ryan, and John McCain, and there have been a couple little girls, I think one of them was crazy, she kept talking when she was going up the stairs but there wasn’t anyone else there, you know. I was in the building trying to get in to use somebody's bathroom, there aren't really any facilities -- and, um, somebody in a spacesuit, and Vladimir Putin, lots of guys in suits going in and out, actually, and they brought Winona Ryder in one of those orange jumpsuits, and Jimmy Carter, Ellen --

Garcia: And what about Joycelyn Elders? Have you seen her going in to talk to the Oracle?

Najimy: Josh who?

Garcia: Joycelyn Elders. She was the Surgeon General under Clinton?

Najimy: I don't know. I'm sorry.

Garcia: But you support Elders in her run for President?

Najimy: I'm not really very political. I mean, I vote and everything, but -- oh my God, it's Whoopi Goldberg! Whoopi! How you doing, girlfriend? [wanders off camera]


Garcia: And so the uncertainty grows in this formerly quiet Los Angeles neighborhood. Who is the Oracle? What does she want? How many more of our leaders and entertainment figures will fall under her spell?

In-studio reporter: Ana, do you have any advice for the viewers about how to handle this situation?

Garcia: Well, Tom, the authorities are saying to keep away from the area, which it's almost impossible, you can see the traffic behind me, it's very difficult to get here anyway. There's a great deal of uncertainty about the danger, but for right now police are advising people to be cautious, and go about their business, particularly children, in light of yesterday's events.

In-studio reporter: Okay, Ana. Sounds like good advice.

Garcia: And I'd just like to remind the viewers that our special two-part Oracle series continues tomorrow, when we talk to child psychologist Rene Folse about how to discuss last week's riots in Providence with your children. For NBC4 News, this is Ana Garcia.


(Story continues at A SING-ALONG.)


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