Oracular Vagina 2 (Jessi Guilford)

Fiction. A sex-change patient recovers from surgery to find herself mute, and vehicle to a truth-telling genetically engineered vagina. World leaders arrive to consult said vagina, and there may also be a wacky neighbor. Companion site to Oracular Vagina Takes Her Place, which no longer exists as such.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

DAN DOCE arrives to consult the ORACLE

(Originally posted July 23, 2004)

A remote rural location about 20-25 miles west of Calexico, California, on the U.S.-Mexico border. The VEHICLE is being driven to the location by MARIE AMIE's boyfriend, an aspiring actor whose given name is Sodapop, like in The Outsiders, except that he plans, once he becomes famous, to go by the name DAN DOCE, "doce" as in the Spanish word for "twelve," for reasons we will leave unexplored. Doce was selected to transport the Vehicle and ORACLE because he owns a Rugged, All-Terrain-Type vehicle, and a handgun, and no one involved was entirely sure what sort of situations might present out in the middle of nowhere like this.

The meeting was set up in advance by agents of Zimbabwean strongman ROBERT MUGABE, over the telephone with the Oracle, a week prior. The Vehicle is a mute postoperative transsexual woman, formerly named Edmund Ludens; her vagina (the Oracle) has been speaking, on and off, to all kinds of people, since the surgery which placed it in Ludens' body. One might be tempted to think that a talking vagina would be novel enough to justify building a theme park around, or at the very least a situation comedy, and therefore could easily make the Vehicle a very rich transsexual woman, but, unfortunately, the Oracle speaks only truth, albeit often cryptically, and predicts the future to boot, and there is a much smaller market for truth or future than most people would expect.

When the scene opens, Doce and the Vehicle have taken Doce's Jeep off of any paved roads, and are getting jostled in helter-skeltery ways as a result. It is rather dark: the moon, a mere eyelash of a waxing crescent, went down some time ago.

Doce: What are we looking for?

Oracle: The border.

Doce: But I mean, is there going to be a light, or a noise, or something? We'll never find them out here.

Oracle: I know where he is. Just keep going straight.

Doce: Okay. Whatever. [holds bag of candy out to Vehicle] Skittle?

Oracle: No thank you.

Doce: Who are we going to meet here again?

Oracle: Robert Mugabe. He is the President of Zimbabwe.

Doce: That's one of them with all the AIDS, right?

Oracle: Yes.

Doce: [chews Skittles thoughtfully]

Oracle: He is currently the President of Zimbabwe. He used to be the Prime Minister. Also Zimbabwe used to be Southern Rhodesia.

Doce: That's a lot of name-changing.

Oracle: You should talk.

Doce: What're you going to tell him?

Oracle: .

Doce [louder]: What are you going to tell him?

Oracle: I heard you.

Doce: Oh. Okay.

Oracle: .

Doce: .

Oracle: .

Doce: Are we getting close?

Oracle: Maybe another fifteen minutes.

Doce: Am I going to become world-famous?

Oracle: No.

Oracle: I'm sorry.

Doce: [almost asks a follow-up question, and then thinks better of it]

Oracle: You'll get to sleep with someone who is, though. If that helps.

Doce: Maybe a little.

Oracle: Could the Vehicle have some water?

Doce: .

Oracle: .

Doce [to Vehicle]: Get your own.

[silence for the rest of the ride]


(Story continues at ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER RETURNS, AGAIN. Dan Doce set continues at ROBERT MUGABE.)


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